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Mort
Nitrous Member
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Joined: May 2005
Member # 86
From: Mortville WA
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 Posted - May 10 : 11:11a
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From the author of the immensely popular "Mort's Guide to Christmas" comes this new installment, Mort's Guide to Summer. If all you want to do this summer is sit on the computer and whack your pud to tranny videos, by all means, don't read this. It ain't my fuckin' problem.
Summer Vacations: Flying
I think we've all listened to enough hack comedians tell us how stupid airport security is, and about the inflight demonstrations and all that crap. Just fly whatever airline is cheapest, pray it isn't canceled, and go about your life. Quit fucking whining about taking off your shoes and answering questions such as "are you a terrorist" and shit like that.
What I'm suggesting is this: Go someplace cold. Why would you leave your house, where its 80, and go somewhere that's 80? You do that in the fuckin' winter, dumbass. I've never understood why peak time in Hawaii and the Bahamas isn't January. Its cold then, and I wanna be warm. Go see something interesting and cultural. Not that big titted women on beaches isn't cultural, but you've got to diversify sometimes. Stare at some paintings in the Louvre, and THEN go stare at the tits.
Summer Vacations: Road Trips
Please, please, please stop bitching about the price of fuel. Nobody is fucking listening, so you're just wasting your breath. Unless you live in a shitty place like Iowa or Kansas, you can enjoy a nice vacation somewhat closer to home. You basically have two choices:
RV
If you're still whining about fuel prices (like I told you not to), get a tent trailer. You can tow the little fuckers behind a Huffy, and they have all the amenities of your single-wide trailer. I even saw some back east that had air conditioners, but not around here because even huge houses in Seattle don't have air. Just duct tape a trailer hitch on your Saturn station wagon, fill it full of beer and bratwurst, and hit the road. It ain't a fuckin' Prevost diesel pusher, but it'll do in a pinch.
Hotel
If you're not a camper (like me, fucking mosquitoes), go for this option. You can get a room in a nice bed and breakfast owned by a gay couple named Frank and Larry overlooking some water, or a forest, or something like that. One thing is for sure, unlike the tent trailer, with Frank and Larry running the place, the window treatments will be fabulous. This is also a good idea if you're one of those faggots that can't barbecue. Speaking of...
Barbecuing
If you're a male and can't barbecue, send in your man card. Its in the fucking Y chromosome and if you don't have it, something is amiss. You have two options for barbecuing: Charcoal and wrong. Get some Kingsfords, light the fuckers, and throw some steaks on. Quit your bitching about how long it takes for them to get ready. That is just more opportunity to drink beer while you wait. Plus, the aroma of propane just doesn't cut the mustard.
And a few other random summer things, because it isn't all about a vacation:
Little League Baseball
I could write a book about this shit. So to condense it down, I'll give you a list of don'ts:
- Don't wear your son/daughter's team hat anywhere except the baseball games. If you're 50 years old and wearing a little league team hat to the hardware store and the tavern, that's fucking creepy. Stop it, stop it now. Same goes for jackets.
- Don't be an overly excited team mom. Bring some juice boxes and animal crackers when its your turn (no fucking carrot sticks, do you want your child to be hated?), but aside from that, stay out of it. Your kid has enough problems because he rides the bench and throws like a girl. Don't compound things.
- Don't ever argue with other teams/parents/umpires. I fucking hate the dickweeds that do this. Way to turn something innocent and pure and fun into a fucking bloodsport. If you do this, don't be surprised later when your kid turns into a fucking child rapist. It all comes back to little league.
Road Construction
In order for everybody to read this, I'm going to print it in huge letters:
SLOW THE FUCK DOWN!!!
I don't give a shit if you're late for your pilates class. I don't give a shit if you're having a bad day, I couldn't care less that your a dumb cunt in a BMW on a cell phone not paying attention. Slow the fuck down in construction zones! Traffic fines double in construction zones; they should be quadrupled. These are real people working inches away from speeding cars making our infrastructure better. Please do not put their lives in danger more so by driving recklessly through their work area. They don't come swinging baseball bats through your cubicle, please extend them the same fucking courtesy.
I think I've said all that I need to. Please add whatever you think is necessary.
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Edited by - Mort on May 10 11:12a |
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Mort's Guide to Summer
